All Creatures Crazy And Weird
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory is getting fed up with Krieger's menagerie he keeps at the Figgis Agency.


**Schnuckiputzi ate the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. Somehow I got it into my mind that in the 'real world' Krieger made another cyborg cat. (Come on, odds are he's made at least one before!) Then I got this. It takes place shortly after the story An Utter Catastrophe.**

 **All Creatures Crazy And Weird **

"I don't know why I bother…" Mallory groaned as she sat at her desk looking at several papers. "None of my former contacts in the spy world want anything to do with me. None of my former connections in New York high society want anything to do with me. Not even my damn furrier is responding to my messages!"

Mallory took a drink. "You know you've hit bottom when you can't even get in touch with your furrier. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to deport his father?"

"Meow."

"What the…?" Mallory looked down on the floor to see an orange striped cat with robotic legs looking up at her. "Oh, it's you. What do **you** want?"

"Meow."

"Go away you stupid thing," Mallory growled at the cat. The cat responded by simply licking its behind.

"KRIEGER!" Mallory shouted.

"Yeeessss?" Krieger poked his head in.

"Get this stupid abomination out of my office!" Mallory shouted as she pointed at the cat.

"Awww," Krieger said. "Schnuckiputzi just wants some attention."

"Meow," The cat purred. Then began to lick herself again.

"It wants to annoy me! That's what it wants!" Mallory snapped. "And it's **succeeding!** GET IT OUT OF HERE!"

"Come on Schnucki…" Krieger picked up the cat and took it out of the office.

"And as if my life wasn't bad enough," Mallory grumbled. "Now I have to deal with Garfield 2.0!"

Later that afternoon Mallory entered the break room. "I swear to god one of these days I will burn Trudy Beekman into ashes. And I **mean** it this time!"

"Do I even want to know?" Ray sighed as he ate a blintz at the table. Cheryl and Pam were with him.

"Let's just say Beekman must be losing weight because her mouth is doing more exercise than it does during Sunday Brunch," Mallory snapped. "It's bad enough Sterling is in a coma after nearly getting killed by botching the whole Deadly Velvet mess, now Beekman is blabbing about his failure to anyone who will listen!"

"And since she knows a lot of people," Pam spoke up. "I'm guessing that's a high number."

"Higher than the scale on your bathroom can go!" Mallory snapped. "So yes, Pam!"

BUZZ! BUZZ!

"Meow…" Schnuckiputzi rode past the door on top of Milton.

"What the…?" Mallory did a double take.

"Meow…" Schnuckiputzi meowed as she rode by again on Milton.

"I should know better," Mallory groaned as she took a drink. "I should know better to come into work with idiots and maniacs. But nooooooo! I come in **anyway!** "

"Yeah you really should," Cheryl nodded. "You know what they say about insanity."

"That it's hereditary among Tunts?" Mallory snapped.

"Wow how did you know **that**?" Cheryl gasped. "I guess that phrase is more common than I thought."

"Meow…" Once again Milton rolled by with the cat happily riding it.

" **This** is why I prefer dogs!" Mallory snapped.

"Why?" Cheryl asked. "Because cats act exactly like **you**?"

"Burn!" Ray quipped.

"MEETING RIGHT NOW!" Mallory shouted. She stormed out. "MEETING! MEETING! MEETING!"

"Okay how many times do I have to say that as the head of the agency…?" Cyril walked out of his office.

"I don't care Cyril!" Mallory snapped. "I'm calling a meeting **now**! NOW! NOW! NOW!"

"Wow," Cyril grumbled as the agency assembled in the bullpen. "Somebody's in a mood."

"Item One!" Mallory ordered. "And **only** one! This concerns the growing mutant menagerie of Dr. Krieger! Listen up Doctor Do Very Little…I want these animals **out** of the office!"

"Why?" Cheryl quipped. "We let Archer in."

"Hey-O!" Cyril cheered.

"And Pam!" Cheryl added,

"Hey-O!" Cyril cheered again.

"And Cheryl!" Pam glared at Cheryl.

"Hey-O!" Cyril called again.

"Give it a rest," Lana glared at Cyril. "Ed McMoron!"

"Krieger, you have allowed herds of creatures that even Dr. Moreau would be disgusted by," Mallory snapped. "Starting with those stupid pigs!"

"Don't say anything bad about the Pigglys!" Krieger snapped. "They ate a lot of dead bodies just lying around messing up the place! Like those cleaning ladies you murdered!"

"And that immigration officer that was looking for them," Ray added. "The one that wouldn't let you bribe him. Or sleep with him."

"That wasn't the Pigglys," Krieger told him.

"It doesn't matter!" Mallory snapped. "Those irradiated slabs of bacon are just the tip of the iceberg where a nightmare version of Noah's Ark crashed into! Which is populated by exploding mice, laser snakes, that weird dinosaur you had for a week…"

"The Krieglins," Pam added.

"That stupid Terminator Teddy you have running around," Cheryl added.

"The even stupider sentient toaster that rolls around here," Mallory added.

"Technically that's not an animal," Cyril said.

"Well it attracts ants with all the toast it shoots out!" Mallory snapped.

"Gobo the fake Jersey Devil," Ray added.

"The transgendered frogs you let loose into the city," Lana added.

"The laser llamas you let loose into the mountains," Cyril added. "And that radioactive lemur that bit me!"

"The mutant spiders that are loose somewhere in Maine," Ray added. "And the Krieg-bats!"

"That electric bobcat that got loose in Central Park at least nine years ago," Pam added. "Which has now become an urban legend."

"Along with the exploding mice," Mallory added.

"You already mentioned that one," Krieger told her.

"I thought it was worth saying **twice!** " Mallory snapped.

"The electric pikas," Lana asked.

"The miniature tigers," Cheryl added.

" **What** miniature tigers?" Cyril shouted.

"Don't ask," Ray groaned.

"We actually have _miniature tigers_?" Mallory gasped.

"Correction," Ray sighed. "We **had** miniature tigers. They escaped."

"WHAT?" Lana, Cyril and Mallory shouted.

"When did **this** happen?" Cyril shouted.

"When did you actually make miniature tigers?" Lana shouted.

"Dudes," Cheryl gave them a look. "He mentioned this in that meeting before the whole killer clown incident that was on my birthday. It can't be **that** much of a surprise!"

"You mean that wasn't just an expression?" Mallory asked.

"How would in **any way** miniature tigers making a mess with old timey paper towel dispensers be an _expression_?" Ray asked incredulously. "In **any** way?"

"I don't know all Krieger's weird German idioms!" Mallory shouted. "Explain! Now!"

"Ugh what's to explain?" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Krieger cloned me a couple of miniature tigers with DNA I got from the zoo when I went one day to get high on tiger tranquilizers. It was for my birthday. I thought they would be better pets that Babou."

"So much of that sentence makes sense and yet **doesn't** make sense it's scary…" Lana blinked.

"How did the tigers escape?" Mallory asked.

"Well let's just say Babou wasn't that thrilled with his new playmates," Krieger sighed.

"Yeah," Cheryl laughed. "That pussy has bigger issues than Lana's! Am I right?"

To this Lana responded by slapping her. "OW! Thank you…" Cheryl purred.

"So to recap," Cyril groaned. "You have no idea where these miniature tigers are?"

"Well they are the size of house cats," Krieger shrugged. "So they were able to get out easy."

"Then why is this thing **still here?"** Mallory pointed to Schnuckiputzi.

"Meow," The cat said simply.

"Because I didn't take Schnuckiputzi to Cheryl's place like I did the tigers!" Krieger snapped.

"So you took the tigers from your lab, to Cheryl's home," Cyril pieced it together. "And then Babou scared the tigers away."

"Yes!" Krieger nodded.

"Okay that makes sense," Cyril sighed.

"This makes **sense** to you?" Lana asked. "Why didn't you tell us about this?"

"We're telling you **now**! Jesus!" Cheryl groaned.

"And now there are a couple of miniature tigers running around LA somewhere," Mallory groaned.

"Or they may still be in Malibu," Krieger shrugged.

"You have a house in Malibu?" Lana looked at Cheryl.

"A couple of them," Cheryl shrugged.

"A **couple** of…?" Mallory made a frustrated scream. "Never mind! Fine! We'll put those tigers on the list!"

"The very long list," Ray sighed. "At least they haven't mauled anyone."

"Not that we know of," Lana reminded him.

"They're the size of house cats and were scared by **Babou** ," Cheryl pointed out. "Those things couldn't maul a stuffed mouse."

"But so many other of Krieger's creations have," Cyril groaned.

"I don't even want to **think** about the giant komodo dragon incident," Mallory groaned.

FLASHBACK!

"Little help?" Krieger called out as he stood on his desk. A giant komodo dragon the size of a buffalo was lounging around. "Anyone?"

FLASHBACK!

"Oh right," Ray remembered. " **That's** what happened to the immigration officer's body."

"Gee," Krieger blinked. "You know when you list them all at once it does sound kind of bad."

"Because it is bad Dr. Frank-N-Krieger!" Lana snapped. "God only knows what affect these things will have on the environment!"

Just then the cyborg cat in question sauntered into the room carrying a mouse. Which she dropped on Mallory's shoes. "Oh for the love of Christ!" Mallory recoiled. "These are Prada!"

"Aww," Krieger said. "She brought you a mouse!"

"A dead mouse on my new shoes!" Mallory shouted.

"Why are you mad?" Cheryl asked. "That cat is probably the only one who does any work around here."

"Oh for the love of God she's right," Mallory groaned.

"Okay Mallory I will admit…" Lana winced. "The cat is a little…weird."

"She's not weird!" Ray snapped.

"Said the gay cyborg with a mismatched hand," Mallory rolled her eyes.

Schnuckiputzi sauntered over to Ray and brushed against his legs purring. "She likes me," Ray petted the cat.

"That's because it knows you two have a lot in common!" Mallory snapped.

"You are both whores for the cuddles," Krieger shrugged.

"Oh God I am," Ray realized.

"I meant you're both **freaks!** " Mallory snarled.

Just then Schnuckiputzi calmly turned to face Mallory. Then threw up a hairball onto her shoes.

"AAAHHHH!" Mallory went to kick the cat but it quickly dodged out of her path.

"Meow," Schnuckiputzi meowed calmly.

"You did that **on purpose** you little…" Mallory snarled.

"Mallory stop!" Lana intercepted her. "It's just a cat! Cats throw up things all the time!"

"It did it on purpose!" Mallory snapped. "I **know** it…"

Just then a noise attracted her attention. She saw a familiar robot bear riding a white pig with a horn on its head. "What the hell is that?"

"Looks like Teddly is taking a ride on Lady Pigamalthea," Pam quipped as Teddly rode away.

"What? On **what**?" Mallory shouted.

"Remember Krieger made a unicorn pig for AJ's second birthday?" Lana sighed.

"And that stupid robot bear he made too?" Cheryl added.

"Those are **real**?" Mallory groaned. "And not drunken hallucinations?"

"I'm afraid not," Cyril sighed.

"That's it!" Mallory stormed off. "I'm spending more time at the hospital. That way I don't have to come into work with you **animals**! And I don't just mean the **four legged ones**!"


End file.
